


If-Then

by lielabell



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: First Time, M/M, non-archive warning: some code was harmed in the making of this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-20
Updated: 2011-11-20
Packaged: 2017-10-26 08:13:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/280766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lielabell/pseuds/lielabell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's basic really.</p><p>IF <br/>(John's interested)<br/>THEN<br/>(kiss him)<br/>ELSE<br/>(smile faintly)<br/>END IF</p>
            </blockquote>





	If-Then

It's basic really.

IF   
(John's interested)  
THEN  
(kiss him)  
ELSE  
(smile faintly)  
END IF

Or is it? Is it really? It’s the interest bit that’s tricky. More data needed. Hum.

(Length of eye contact > average)?(possible interest):(possible disinterest)

Conduct experiment? y/n

Yes. Definitely yes. When? ~~Tomorrow.~~ ~~Tonight.~~ Right now.

Smile. Angle head downward, indicate interest. Hold eye contact. Average length of eye contact between causal acquaintances = 10 seconds. Time reached. Average length of eye contact between friends = 15 seconds. Time reached. Average length of eye contact between potential sexual partners = 20 seconds. Time not reached.

Eye contact broken at 17.5 seconds. Subject slightly flushed. Tips of ears: red. Throat cleared nervously. Indicators of distress. Possible result of discomfort. Discomfort from embarrassment? Probability high. Embarrassment over what, though? Desire or lack there of? Impossible to tell. More data needed. Interest level of subject still not determined.

Define:interest

in·ter·est [in-ter-ist, -trist]

noun  
1\. the feeling of a person whose attention, concern, or curiosity is particularly engaged by something  
2\. something that concerns, involves, draws the attention of, or arouses the curiosity of a person  
3\. power of exciting such concern, involvement, etc.

Hum. Dislike possible meanings of _interest_. Must find better descriptor. ~~Attachment.~~ ~~Partiality.~~ Attraction.

Define:attraction

at·trac·tion [uh-trak-shuhn]

noun  
1\. the act, power, or property of attracting.  
2\. attractive quality; magnetic charm; fascination; allurement; enticement  
3\. a person or thing that draws, attracts, allures, or entices

Yes. Much better. Attraction levels must be determined forthwith.

Possible experiment? Dinner? At Angelo’s? No. Redundant. Also odds of reminding subject of initial rejection of possible romantic entanglement very high indeed. Chinese? Better, but still not optimal. Indian? Subject is fond of aloo jeera over rice.

“Sherlock?”

Blink, focus attention. Smile, slightly. Keep tone light. Do not indicate annoyance at being interrupted while formulating controlled experiment. “Yes, John?”

Another cleared throat, this time paired with subtle shifting in seat. All signs point to awkward and uncomfortable. “You’re staring at me.”

“Was I? Didn’t notice.” Tilt head to the side in considering manner. “I’m peckish. Dinner?”

Subject’s forehead wrinkles, frown lines form around corners of the mouth. A shake of the head. “Dinner?”

“Yes, John, dinner. That thing we do when it’s dark out and we’d like to eat.” Heavy creasing of subject’s brow, frown firmly in place. Perhaps tone a tad too stringent. Could disrupt experiment if subject is in an a strop. “Indian? My treat.”

Wrinkles smoothed over, huff of breath: two parts amusement to three parts annoyance. Odds of conducting an unbiased experiment significantly improved.

Stand, move towards door, look over shoulder with raised eyebrow. Another huff: two parts amusement to one part annoyance. Barest upturn of subject’s lips, faint smile lines appearing about the eyes. Subject in much better good. Wonderful. Time to start phase one: conversation.

try:  
c = conversation("Banal comment about the weather")  
except: # could cause error  
"Unable to maintain conversation"  
except: # reason for error  
"Lack of interest in subject"  
else: # executed if no exceptions are raised  
"Conversation write completed successfully"  
if c:  
c.close()

“Pleasant evening, isn’t it?”

Hitch in step, indicative of surprise. “Yes, yes. Of course. Not a rain cloud in sight.”

“Very astute observation, John.”

Aggrieved sigh. “I’m not the one who started on about the bloody weather, Sherlock.”

“Point taken.” Lack of interest. Should have predicted that. Subject not one to waste braincells on _the bloody weather_. Hum. Start another conversation? Or maintain companionable silence? More data needed. Observation of the subject reveals hands deep in pockets, a confident stride, and a look of contentment on face. Stick with the silence. Seems to agree with him.

On to phase two, then: distance.

Average space between subject and self (taking in irregularities of path) is approximately 121 centimeters. Well within the normal range for social space, but a far cry from the 94.1 centimeters that marks personal space. Certainly no where near the coveted 47.5 centimeters considered intimate space.

Alter path to move 20 centimeters closer to subject. Subject reacts instantly, altering his path to increase the distance back to social space. Average distance between subject and self now approximately 130 centimeters. Not good. But could be nothing more than misplaced courtesy. After all, one does not crowd one’s friends.

Less than 5 minutes to destination. Attempt third phase: physical contact? y/n

No. Best to wait until comfortably seated. Possibly after the application of a small quantity of alcohol.

“Sherlock?”

“Hum?”

A shift of weight from left foot to right. Head tilted towards the door, wants to go in, but paused, hands fisted in coat pockets. Tension or concern? Worried look on face; concern then. About what, though? A sigh, soft, coupled with a head shake.

“Are you,” pause = 6 seconds, “you seem,” pause = 3 seconds. “Look, you’ll tell me if something’s,” second head shake. Exasperated sigh. “Never mind. Let’s eat.”

“Let’s.” Step forward, hold door open. Perfectly acceptable indicator of date. Subject seems unnerved by it though. “I’m not getting any less hungry standing here, John. Tantalizing as the aroma might be, it cannot, in fact, slake my need for sustenance.”

“Prat.” Muttered under breath, but with a hint of affection, which undercuts the insult. Not pleased, but not displeased either. Neutral. Best possible result.

Right. Phase three, then. Quick touch, barest pressure of a hand on the small of subject’s back as he moves past. Subtle way of testing subject’s response to more intimate touch. Indicates sexual interest without being appallingly blatant about it.

Subject sucks in breath, turns head, makes eye contact. Pupils wide. Pulse rate: 85 beats per minute, a good 9 beats above base rate.

“Oh. Well, yes.” Lick of the lips. “Are we going to talk about,” a harsh, self-deprecating laugh. “Of course not, bloody idiot man. Eating. On that.”

Not good. Not good at all.

“John--”

“No. Not here.”

 _Not here_. As in not right now? Or not ever? Must find out.

Carefully constructed look of confusion. “I am very interested in,” pause = 4 seconds, tighten jaw, look away. “I find that you have become essential to me; that your happiness has a direct correlation to my own.” Another pause coupled with a searching look.

Subject’s face softens, eyes wide. “I,” a glance around. “I’m not very hungry, actually.”

Ah. The setting then. But with an out offered. To accept it, to change the location, could change the parameters of experiment in unpredictable ways. Still, a change would up the probability of getting needed data significantly. What to do.

“How odd, neither am I.”

A snort of laughter. “Right. Back home then?”

Home. Their home. Not exactly a neutral location, but a known quantity. Can use the familiarity to own advantage. Yes. That will do. “After you.”

Another laugh. “You’re being clever, aren’t you? I can practically see the wheels turning in that mind of yours.”

“Do try to be a bit more original, John. Wheels are a terribly pedestrian metaphor.”

Lips press together, hands fist, and then a sigh, before the lines of tension disappear. “You great sodding git. You’re lucky I like you. Otherwise,” a vaguely menacing look which would be fascinating if not for the words proceeding it.

“ _Like_ me?” Pointed stress on the first word.

“Are we having this conversation, then? In the middle of the high street?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. We are significantly north of middle.”

“Course we are.”

“Not that it matters.” A dismissive hand motion. “Now as to the conversation, that is entirely up to you. We can pursue it now, or we can let it fester in our minds for the next half a mile, if you would rather. And when I say ‘our minds’ I mean _your_ mind, as I already have worked out precisely what I intend to say on the matter.”

“Course you have.”

“Repetitive.”

“Rude.”

“Churlish.”

“Oh, are we tossing out adjectives now?

“Fascinating deduction, John.”

“Oi. Mind your tone.”

“Mind my tone indeed.”

An indignant huff on the part of the subject followed by an increase in stride. Clear indicators of annoyance. Not good. Won’t do to antagonize the man. Annoyance is not a known aphrodisiac. Still, best to go on as one means to continue. Placating the subject now would only lead to expectations of similar behavior in the future.

Still...

var:= displeased John  
ifTrue: [ ‘short temper’ ]  
ifFalse: [ ‘more agreeable mindset’ ]

And once does not a pattern make. _Fine._ Appeasement then. But just the once.

“John,” voice hesitant, questioning.

“Shut it.”

Increase the level of vulnerability. “You know this is not a subject that I am particularly comfortable with.”

A shake of the head. “No, not going to work.”

Damn. Damn. _Damn._

Sulk? y/n

No. Sulking, while enjoyable and very much deserved, will not improve bloody, sodding subject’s bloody, sodding mind. And he must be in an agreeable mood, damn it. If not, the results will be compromised.

Fine. Try again. But what is the best strategy to take? Think, man, have already been silent for 2.4 minutes. Only 1.6 minutes remaining before silence moves from “companionable” into “acrimonious.”

“If I mention wheels again, will it set you off like before?”

Oh, lord. Really? But that tone. Surely it was amused. Quick glance reveals a smile playing at subject’s lips, eyes bright. Well. Good. Solves that problem.

Estimated time until arrival at 221B Baker Street: 7.3 minutes. Probability of maintaining amicable mood for that long: 47%.

7.3 minutes. Not that long, empirically. Feels like ten times that, though. Messy, unreliable emotions.

“Still in a strop?”

“No.”

A huff of laughter. “You really are an overgrown child.”

“Hardly.”

“Very believable, that.”

Estimated time until arrival at 221B Baker Street: 4.6 minutes. 4.5 minutes. 4.4 minutes. 4.3 minutes.

No. No. _No._

Absolutely not. Counting seconds is beyond all reason. Must. Make. It. Stop.

“Sherlock!”

“It’s an alley, John. Surely you can’t object.”

“It’s an alley! Of course I bloody well object!”

“No one will see us.”

“That’s not--” a shake of the head. “You have absolutely appalling impulse control! It can’t be more than a minute until we get home.”

“3.9, to be exact.”

“Ah, yes. Wouldn’t do to not know down to the second.”

Tone: dry but amused. Eyes: wide, pupils dilated. Heart rate: elevated.

“Be very still, John. I need to conduct an experiment.”

“What? Now? _Here?_ ”

“Yes.”

“In an alley that smells like it's being used as a loo?”

“Yes.”

“I’m not--”

“Enough talk.”

“Sherlock!”

Ignore John? y/n

Yes, in so much as one can ignore the man one is about to kiss, that is.

match positive result with  
| "moan" -> low in throat  
| "hands in hair" -> tugging just so  
| "aligned hips" -> proof of mutual erections;;

Yes. That’s... Yes. Just like that, John. Always like that. No, don’t stop.

Oh. _Breathing._ Boring.

Anticipated time needed for John’s breathing to normalize: 12 seconds.

Run pad of thumbs over subject’s checks. (11 seconds) Search subject’s eyes. (10 seconds) Smile. (9 seconds) Watch as subject smiles in response. (8 seconds) Angle bodies 3 centimeters closer. (7 seconds) Subject's eyes widen. (6 seconds) Slight shift of hips to achieve maximum pelvic contact. (5 seconds) Subject lets out a groan. (4 seconds) Subject swivels hips, rubbing bodies together in a most satisfying manner. (3 seconds) Aggressive kiss: y/n (2 seconds) No. This isn’t about sex. Overly aggressive manner will only confuse the issue. (1 second)

Lower head, align mouths. Gentle pressure followed by soft nip of lower lip. Subject's hand cupping self’s face, tilting self’s head. Subject places kisses at temples, brows, corner of mouth. Subject pulls back, makes eye contact, smiles in a besotted manner. Indicates tenderness, fondness, _affection_.

Define:affection

af·fec·tion [uh-fek-shuhn]

noun  
1\. fond attachment, devotion, or love  
2\. often, affections  
a. emotion; feeling; sentiment  
b. the emotional realm of love

Much better than attraction, affection is. Attraction, after all, has no emotion at its core save desire. Affection’s root cause is love.

 _Love._

Define:love

love [luhv]

noun  
1\. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.  
2\. sexual passion or desire.  
3\. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like)  
4\. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.  
5\. sexual intercourse; copulation.  
6\. affectionate concern for the well-being of others  
7\. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything

Apply definition to subject:

1\. a profoundly tender, passionate affection [towards John].  
2\. sexual passion or desire [for John].  
3\. ~~(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like)~~ [Applicable, but goes against all sense of decency to use]  
4\. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour [with John]  
5\. sexual intercourse; copulation [with John].  
6\. affectionate concern for the well-being of [John]  
7\. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for [John]

Oh.

 _Oh._

That explains everything.

Well. Back to basics then:

if love John then  
\-- tell him;  
\-- cherish him;  
\-- protect him;  
\-- marry him;  
end if;

**Author's Note:**

> A million thanks to my betas: non_canonical and megh! <3


End file.
